So I've been wanting to write something about my experiences that I've had throughout the last year with people and my art life, but I've read so many inspirational blogs as of late that I don't think my input will make a big difference to anyone. In fact I doubt anyone will actually read this.. but hey writing it down really puts things in perspective for me. I don't have fantastic writing skills so this isn't going to be one of those amazingly poetic posts about life, just simply a 21 year old female trying to let people know that shit gets better as long as you don't give up.
I've been through death, bullying, anxiety, depression, I've battled with suicide and self harming, weight problems, health problems, I've lost my family and gained a new one. There are so many more things that I simply can't write down without hurting people. This life has literally thrown every single thing that it could at me over this last year and I finally feel like I am starting to see light through all the crap. You really don't realise what true friendship and family means until you lose almost everything. I say almost because you may think you've lost everything but in fact if you look closely you'll be surprised to find that the things that really matter you'll never lose. For me this was a text from someone I thought didn't even think about me saying hi, it was my supportive partner ringing me in the mornings to get me up out of bed. Its also silly how much having a pet to look after has saved me.
I wanted so much to throw myself into my artwork but instead I trolled through tumblr admiring what others in the art community are doing with there time as I was still in my pyjamas self hating and underestimating myself. Fact is that I had given up, I wasn't even trying. I had looked at everything that life had thrown at me and was constantly reliving in the past. I over thought what strangers and spiteful people think of me so much that it came to the point where I believed I had no self worth. But I do, I matter, we all matter and who cares what others think of you? I say it only matters what you think of yourself, what you TRULY think of yourself, not what others tell you about yourself or what you like others see you as. In thinking this I realised I don't know how I feel about myself because I'd given up, I didn't know what my interests where or what kind of person I was, so how could others?
So I've come to the conclusion that I need to start trying to find out how I am and just enjoy the journey. I admit I'm not fully there yet and I still have days where I feel the need to hide away but now I'm trying and seeing things for what they really are.
This has become a bit of a rant but what I'm trying to say is that It doesn't matter how many times you fall down, just keep trying too.